Working hard or hardly working?

It's kind of hard for me to believe, but today is my last day at home with the children during the summer holidays.  We will (hopefully) be off on holiday next week and when we're back, it will be term-time again.

It has really brought home to me that I am not a stay-at-home mum any more.  I pictured the summer holidays as endless, sun-filled (this year, at least) days where I needed a giant bag of tricks to help the kids entertain themselves as I counted down the days until September.  Instead, my two days a week with them has positively flown and I'm mildly surprised that this is really it.  A picnic and play in the park today, the weekend, and then Nanny takes over until holidays.

After a month of work, my main impression is sheer exhaustion.  I'm giving it at least six months, but oh. my. god. I have never been this tired.  Apart from the last time I went back to work and during pregnancy.  I don't feel the same sense of accomplishment / escape I felt when I went back with Miss A. 

It may be that I've been reading too many articles on the fact that part time workers are generally screwed.  To be fair to my employer, this is not something I've picked up directly, more my own (sad!) general sense that, now that I am a mummy/worker who tries to spend a lot of time with my children, I will never, ever be promoted again.

And I love being home with the children.  It is an entirely different pace - easier and harder than the office.  By 9:00 this morning (when I started this blog), I had stripped and remade the beds, put the linens in the wash, fed and dressed the children and myself, tidied up and put the dishwasher on, made a frittata and salads for our picnic lunch, and cleared that mess up.  By contrast, on working days, by 9:00, I will generally have fought my way in on public transport, have answered a bunch of e-mails, and have gone to the office canteen for a sub-standard cup of coffee.

Far more delicious than canteen fare at work

It's not that it's better being at home, I guess.  It's that I don't feel like I am being measured against a paradigm of the ideal worker and falling well short.  Pre-children, I once told a colleague that having babies wouldn't change me, I would always want to work all the hours and be terribly ambitious.  I was half right - I just wish there were a clear way to combine family time with success in the work place. I'll keep looking and, if I find it, I'll let you know.