When I attempted to resign from work at the end of my maternity leave in January, my manager very kindly declined and offered me an additional period to make up my mind. After various negotiations with HR, we agreed that August would be the end of an extra period of unpaid leave. Going into the extra leave, I scoffed to myself that there was no real point, as I was going to be a stay-at-home mummy in the countryside, raising children and vegetables and possibly chickens.
As time passes, however, my resolve wavers. I panicked about going back to work after my maternity leave with Miss A, but it was okay. I was happy getting out of the house, we had wonderful childcare for Miss A - a gem of a childminder who still keeps in touch for updates.
Fast forward to today and I'm weighing up all sorts of things trying to decide whether it's better to stay or go (at home or back to work for anyone who just got worried). Although it would be welcome, the extra money isn't really the primary motivating factor. Rather it's my own mental well being.
I find that I have lost quite a lot of my sense of self outside of being a mum. Staying at home means I, quite naturally, am focused on the children. But following our move to Kent, I find it harder to carve out things that are for me and not for the family.
Last year I read the lovely Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen. In it, there was a metaphor I loved for children's attachment. Dr Cohen presented it as a cup, filled by their primary carer's attention and love. Some children needed constant tiny top-ups, some could go for a while and then need a big top up, but the results of an empty cup resulted in difficult behaviour and unhappy children and parents. I am, of course, simplifying greatly here, but you get the idea.
Worth a read if this sort of thing floats your boat
So, if I think of my sense of self as a cup topped up by interacting with friends and doing things that are good for me, I'm getting pretty close to bone dry. I often feel like singing Good Feeling - pleading with that good feeling to stay just a little longer.
Even a million years after my youth, I still love the Violent Femmes
I noticed it less before the move - I had a strong network so I saw friends nearly every day. Even if it wasn't an arranged play date, I was pretty much guaranteed to see someone if we went down to Goose Green (I am pining for that playground...). I could nip in to Push Studios around the corner for a Pilates class on a Saturday morning. I had running buddies and there was a lovely, social running club that I fully intended to join again... I think I forgot how long it took to set up my network and how lucky I was to have such a concentration of resources. I took a few knocks to confidence when the first couple of people I tried to chat with at the school gate were polite but cool - I have since met more lovely people but it becomes 1,000 times harder to try to form relationships and initiate play dates when you have a vague worry that you are imposing. Nonetheless, I try to keep reminding myself to be The Friendliest Mum at the Play GroupTM.
I have also made efforts to do things that make me feel physically good - I have joined a bootcamp workout class (second night tonight). I have made running club enquiries, but sadly they seem to be a lot more competitive than social. I fear that running 8 minute miles is some way off for me.
It seems, though, that going back to work would easily sort this out for me. I would be back amongst my colleagues and work friends, I would have the gym and all its classes in the same building. I could join the lunchtime running club... I feel like I can only go back to full on, full time work, though I am meeting my manager soon to discuss options for a return. It also seems like a live-in nanny is our only option (we'd need around 60 hours a week of childcare, I estimate) and, while we are lucky to have enough room to accommodate someone, I'm not sure how I feel about sharing my home.
While I feel that having me home is the best I can do for my children, it's the best I can do only if they get the best of me. If I'm sad and stressed and feeling bad about myself, I can't give them the attention and energy they deserve.
There are probably some ideas that I am missing now - working without going back full time, childcare options (I was convinced that we HAD to have a nanny when I went back with Miss A, but the childminder was the most awesome ever). I will continue to mull them over and do what I can to feel better while I prepare for my chats with work. I do, of course, welcome ideas and comments and suggestions.
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